Things You Can Learn At The Library

I'm hoping to go to law school next year, but before I can apply, I need to take the LSAT, which is an evil, horrible test designed to make you want to rip out your brain and throw it at puppies. Okay, it's not actually that bad, but it is pretty awful. And I pretty much have one shot to do well on this thing. So I've been going to the library every day because if I don't do well on this dumb test, I probably won't get into a good law school. I've studied more for the LSAT than I've studied for anything ever in my ENTIRE LIFE. And let me tell you, study
ing is awful! No good can come of it. Well except you know, being successful academically, but I think that's overrated. Anyway, since I've been stuck at the library every day, there hasn't been much going on in my life, but I was surprised to find that you can still learn alot about yourself and life in general even when you're sitting at a desk for hours on end in a public library. Here are some things I've discovered:

1. The LSAT makes me EVIL. I've always thought of myself as a relatively nice person and now I realize this is because I have never before had to take the LSAT. There is something about this test that brings out the worst in me. Like one day, I was sitting and doing some practice problems when this asshole plopped down next to me and started playing with her high tech, touch screen, iphone looking thing, and every time she touched that screen, her phone would make this annoying "bloop" sound. So I did what any other passive aggressive person would do: I sighed, rolled my eyes, tapped my fingers in annoyance, pretty much everything except turn and politely ask her to turn the volume off on her cellphone. But in my defense, there are signs posted EVERYWHERE that say Please silence cellphones. They even have a PICTURE of a cellphone with a big fat X through it just in case you can't read! I should not have to do anything that a sign is supposed to accomplish. So finally, after 10 long minutes of silent (because it's a library people! Come on!) seething, I finally turned to this cellphone blooping fiend and gave her my evil-est death stare. And it turned out that the "asshole" with the iphone was a 9 year old girl! She looked at me looking all meanly at her and immediately got up and went crying to her mama (okay, so she didn't actually cry. But she did look very scared and contrite). So yeah, I felt like the asshole after that. I blame it on the LSAT. And also, why does a 9 year old need an iphone? Even I don't have one of those! Sheesh!

2. Even the public library has its fair share of WEIRDOS. Okay, so this one is really gross and disturbing, but again, I was sitting, doing LSAT practice problems, and this guy (I shall call him, Weirdy) with a laptop sat two seats down from me. And I was just innocently sitting there, minding my own business, trying to figure out what hair color Amelia has if she is taller than Bob, but skinnier than Carla, when Weirdy started shaking the lower half of his body. And so I figured he was just fidgety. But then I noticed his hand was hidden under the table. And he was breathing really heavily and even grunting sometimes. And maybe it's just my messed up, head-in-the-gutter self jumping to crazy conclusions....BUT I'M PRETTY SURE HE WAS MASTURBATING. IN THE LIBRARY. NEXT TO A TABLE FULL OF CHILDREN. Let me tell you, I stopped giving a rat's ass about Amelia's pants size and all I could do was just sit there, still as a statue, with a look of horror frozen on my face. Luckily, Weirdy soon got up and went somewhere else (hopefully far far far way from me. And the children! Oh, the children!) and I got back to my studying. I'm still not positive if Weirdy was actually doing what I thought he was doing. But if he was, that means this is the second time in a year that I've seen a guy spank his monkey in a public place. The first time was on the metro after my sister's birthday dinner. We were riding back home and this guy sat down near me, my sister, and her friends and proceeded to reach his hand down his pants and well, you know. And then he ate some crackers. Yeah, people are weird. Why can't people just have the decency to masturbate in the privacy of their own homes?!?! WHY?!?!

3. You can write a book on any subject and there will be someone out there who is interested. Any old subject, even one that you would never think anyone else would find interesting. In fact, sometimes, you can publish a book about it and have it stocked at the public library. This book I saw today is a lovely example of this fact:(Photo courtesy of amazon.com)

Seriously. There is a book on rock painting. And not just any kind of rock painting. Animal themed rock painting. And the title is Painting More Animals on Rocks. That means there is at least one other book out there entirely devoted to the mystic art of painting animals on rocks. I think seeing this book was the best thing that's happened to me all week, if not all my life. I laughed for like an hour after seeing this. And then I kept snickering to myself every time I thought about it. Which was like every 2 minutes. I'm sure people were annoyed. Hey, maybe they wrote something about Weird Laughing Library Girl in their blogs.

Anyway, I think the most valuable lesson I learned was this one:

4. I was destined to be a rock painter! I'm going to check out the book mentioned above and give it a whirl. I'll keep you posted on how things go.